The Hæven of John

CC By-SA 2.0 by Quasic

Back in January I had to break something - something very close, dear, and important to me. For a reason, a reason so great I’m willing to risk everything even the possibility that it will be impossible to fix and heal that which I broke.

It’s for changing, learning, and picking up the pieces that I lost through the years. Years that were filled with anger, hatred, distrust, and bitterness. It blinded me. I entered the denial-stage. Changes came, I had to be strong - or so I thought I was. Little did I know, for every change there is an equal and opposite payment.

Follow up:

For example, I stopped being a jealous freak. It went to trash, gone, no more. But it came with a price, a price I had no idea I paid which through the years had resulted into more not-so-good things. I gave up one ‘bad’ trait, I paid an equal and opposite payment, and ended up having more ‘bad’ traits that I was sugar-coating all these years.

So I have to break that something AND someone. Enough is enough. I’m not happy with who I am, I’m not happy with what’s happening in my life. Enough is enough.

Six months later, mission accomplish. I found the bits and pieces of me that I threw away. I found the good things about me that my friends of my youngers years loved about me. But once again, it came with a price. A price I have to pay again, for in every change there is an equal and opposite payment.

With those good things back, the price I paid was - mr. jealous freak is back also. And for the past few days (and weeks), especially today, I am feeling jealous over someone, some people, things that I saw and read a few minutes ago. It’s back and so far I can control it, but for how long?

I can say I am better equip today than before, with what I have experienced in the years that passed. But I do not know how long I can keep mr. jealous freak at-bay.

The challenge now for me is to find an equilibrium. The pre-trash me and the post-trash me are currently waging a war inside of me. In fact back in July, I already had a fit of rage, had been at the lowest in my life, went through the deepest depression I ever experienced, it was total chaos. It took me weeks to get back in control.

It’s a roller-coaster life. Have you been in this state before? Where your two selves are waging a devastating war inside of you for days, weeks, and months (and I hope not years)? How did you manage?

Right now, this is what I am going through. The new me can not be if I will not be able to combine these two me’s. No, I don’t have a multiple personality disorder, I’m an INFP - Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perception. We are deep and we go deep. We think about everything and we try to comprehend every facet of everything.

What do I do? I don’t know. We’ll see. I think writing these thoughts, feelings, and challenges down is one good way of finding a balance - with the ultimate goal of merging the two.

Good night, signing out.